It should have been different. We should have stayed in touch more. We should have written more letters and talked on the phone more. Our relationship should have been different. Now, it's too late. The past cannot be changed.
My last remaining grandmother died today. She lived half a country away, so we rarely saw each other. I love her & will miss her. Right now, though, I feel bad that I didn't know her better. I feel bad that we weren't closer. I fell bad that my kids didn't get to know her. It should have been different, and I am partially to blame for how it was. I'll always bear that truth. I'll carry that knowledge with me forever, the knowledge that I could have, should have, changed things.
Right now, I am sad. I will watch a sad movie, or maybe a few, and cry. Then, I will watch something that will make me laugh. I may write a poem, if one comes to me. Then, in a day or two, I'll throw myself into my schoolwork, working on it as much as I can. I'll spend the days working with the kids, cooking the food, and doing some housework. The nights, I will spend doing schoolwork, keeping busy. I will be fine. I will cope. It is my way. Some may say this isn't a healthy way to deal, but it works for me. It has worked for me my whole life.