Sunday, January 6, 2013

I am So Done!

On Christmas Eve, we got a Christmas card in the mail from my husband's sister. Well, actually, my husband & the kids got a card from her, that's how it was addressed. He was livid. He refused to open it & immediately sent her a message asking her about it.

His sister & I have had issues ever since he & I got together. I attempt to deal with it by maintaining civility around her & discussing her as little as possible when she's not around. If he tells me news about her, I listen, ask important questions, and try to be polite. I don't want him to think he can't talk to me about her, but I'm also not exactly interested in her life. She took our cat when he needed a new home, and I am grateful for that, but that's pretty much where positive feelings for her end.

She deals with our issues by bouncing around between ignoring my existence, being a total bitch to me, and trying to be all buddy-buddy with me. I guess we're in an ignoring my existence phase right now. When I saw the envelope & how it was addressed, I shrugged. It really doesn't bother me. It did bother him, though.

It appears that she heard that I don't like her, and this hurt her feelings. I have never made a secret of my dislike for her, so I don't believe she was unaware of it until recently. She claims that at a family dinner, one I didn't attend, she had been under the impression that I was sick, but one of my kids told her that I didn't come because "I can't stand her." I don't see either of my kids saying that. My kids know that I dislike her, it would be impossible not to, and I've explained why in a manner as respectful as I can. However, I don't generally use terms as harsh as 'can't stand' or 'hate' when speaking of her. I say generally because I can't be 100% certain, as I don't recall every single thing I've ever said regarding her. Anyway, she was 'hurt' by this news and apparently takes my being civil to her as me being two-faced and lying about my feelings toward her. So, she is "being true to herself" by ignoring me & not including me in the Christmas card to my household. I truly believe that she is being true to herself with this jr high level display of maturity.

My husband wrote 'Return to Sender' on the card & sent it back. He won't stand for her disrespecting me (he also won't stand for me disrespecting her, so it isn't a double standard). He then responded to her message explaining why he sent the card back. He doesn't want to rise to her bait & get into a petty argument with her (she is a drama queen who always has to be the center of  attention & always has to be in a fight with someone), but wants her to know that it is not okay for her to disrespect me. This caused her to respond again. It was in this response that we found out what was allegedly said, where it was allegedly said, and that it was one of our kids who said it. In this response, she also informed him that there should be a filter in place to make sure I don't disrespect her in front of family. Apparently, me being honest with my kids about my feelings toward someone & the reasons for those feelings is disrespectful, despite the fact that I actually put in a lot of effort to not be disrespectful when I speak of her around or to my husband & kids.

She is now not speaking to my husband, again. This is not the first time. Hell, it isn't even the first time she's stopped talking to him because she was pissed about something dealing with me. She has also unfreinded him on Facebook. She's pissed at my husband & at me. He's pissed at her. I'm feeling bad for him & pissed at her. Now we start months of her talking shit behind my back & his, while not speaking to either of us. Not that that's too far from when she is talking to him. Then it's her talking shit behind our backs while being all sweet & "I keep trying to reach out to your wife, but she just refuses to have a sisterly relationship with me" to my husband's face.

To be honest, I'm pissed at his mom, too. She knew my kid allegedly said something that allegedly hurt someone, and she intentionally kept that info from us. That really pisses me off. She kept important information about MY kids from me. She did it because my husband's sister asked her not to say anything to us about it. So, not only did she keep pertinent info about my kid from me, but by doing it at the request of her daughter she took her daughter's side in this, despite always telling us she planned to stay neutral & not get involved. Well, wtf do you think keeping this from us was? It was getting involved, which you said you wouldn't do!

The story keeps changing, too. Details get changed, depending on which version we hear & who we hear it from. My mother-in-law explained her not telling me about what my kid said with 3 different excuses A) so my child didn't get in trouble for repeating things I said in front of them (the child would not have gotten in trouble), B) as her way of not judging of me for what I said in front of my child (like I'm dumb enough to believe this crock of shit), and C) to stay out of the argument (I guess I'm expected to ignore the fact that there was not an actual argument going on at the time this all happened, which means there was no argument to stay out of). She is now pissed at me, too. I am too livid to actually speak to anyone in his family, right now. My husband wanted me to talk to his mom about it & explain my feelings about the current situation. So, I emailed her about it. Apparently, she's angry because I chose to email instead of call her. Her response even included "Who do you think you are writing this shit to me?" Who do I think I am? Really? I am the person she betrayed, despite her denials of betraying anyone. I am the person she kept important information from. I am the person she sided against, based on a comment from a child, a comment nobody ever bothered to verify or clarify with an adult in our household.

There is a part of me that wants to write her back & tell her off about a few things in her email - like her assumption that she knows me so well (several things she said prove quite the opposite), her thinking that she has some kind of right to argue my feelings & my level of anger (as if she knows my feelings & how angry I am more than I do), and the fact that she thinks she has the right to tell me what to do. I could also argue her comment about the "slight threat that you would withhold us seeing you & the kids," as no such thing was in my email. I did, quite honestly, inform her that my initial reaction was wanting to cut myself off from them. However, I also said that I had changed my mind & at no time did I mention cutting them off from the kids. I know, though, that responding would do no good & would just prolong this stupid fight. I really have no interest in prolonging this, so I have chosen to not respond at all.

I am done! I am done with his sister & her drama queen bullshit. I am done with his parents. I am done being anything more than civil. I am done trying not to hurt anyone. I am just done. I will not be inviting his family to anything. I will only go to stupid family things for my husband's sake. I want to walk away from this drama & bullshit now, before I lose the ability to hold onto even a modicum of diplomacy when dealing with them. Since I can't do that without causing harm to my marriage, I will cut contact down to as little as possible & be civil when I have to deal with them.

On days like this, the idea of my own private island or living by myself in a cave is so tempting.