Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Confession

Here on my blog, I try to focus mostly on the positive. I have to actively work hard to do that, as I am not naturally an optimist. Every so often, I give my readers a peek at the less than great aspects of my life, just so you know that my life is not perfect. I guess it's time for another peek.

I started writing a post lamenting my lack of time for taking luxuriously long showers (you know, the ones long enough to enjoy the hot water & shave your legs), due to the fact that my kids (ages 15 & 9) need 24/7 supervision to prevent things like them getting into a screaming match over terribly important things such as who gets which chair. Though, I suppose that may be slightly better than gong to check mail & coming back in to one of them drawing in salad dressing puddles or building with shredded cheese (they used to do those when they were younger).

Then today happened. I decided that a little info on today would be a far better (or worse) peek at my life. Today, we had to call the crisis intervention hotline because of Dea. She got mad at me for saying she couldn't go to a concert. Then, she blew up at me, and when I told her to go to her room to calm down, she left the house. I wandered the neighborhood looking for her & called friends to see if they knew where she was. I also called my husband & told him he needed to come home from work. Less than an hour later, she walked back in the door.

I told her that her dad was on his way home & that we would talk when he got home, so she should use that time to try to calm down. She screamed at me that she didn't want to talk & went up to her room where she started throwing furniture around. When we all sat down to talk, she screamed & yelled at us some more. She admitted to me that she had considered slamming her head into the wall, to cause herself harm, while she was trashing her room. While my husband was on the phone with crisis intervention, she got worse. She started throwing things at my laptop & screaming. I physically restrained her, to prevent her from causing damage or harm to anyone or anything. While I was restraining her, she bit me.

By the time crisis prevention got here, she had calmed down. She apologized & cried while I hugged her & cried. They decided that she didn't need to be hospitalized today, but her counseling sessions are going from one a month to 1-2 per week & will be more intensive, and her meds might need to be changed.

For those who don't know, my daughter is a 2E teenager with ADHD & Bipolar. This was one of her manic episodes. While they don't always happen like this (we haven't need to restrain her for quite a while & she generally goes to her room to cool down, instead of taking off), this is not an uncommon thing. Raising a child with Bipolar is exhausting & terrifying. On days like today, I have to fight so hard not to allow myself to feel like the worst mom in the world. The rational part of my brain knows this is not my fault, but the mom/perfectionist part says I should be able to do more.